I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My ass is underappreciated
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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