Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
