She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
