my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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