just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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