I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
