There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
