She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
