I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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