you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
