All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
