she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
