1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
