don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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