Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
