Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
