He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
