i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
