Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
