Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
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A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize