You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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