my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
