mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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