My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
