Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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