I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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