mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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