last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
