oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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