i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
