dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
