He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
