Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
