I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
