After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
