Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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