Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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