I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
