Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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