Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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