I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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