she woke up with a sticky ear
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
