i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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