She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
