I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
