the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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