if i can run in heels then i can drive
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
