PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
