Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
