you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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