I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
