My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
