ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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