y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
