So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
