Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
