Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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