Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
