I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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